日本語>英語 翻訳練習 0030 白昼夢 4

鬘の様に綺麗に光らせた頭髪の下に、中高の薤形の青ざめた顔、細い眼、立派な口髭で隈どった真赤な脣、その脣が不作法につばきを飛ばしてバクバク動いているのだ。
Under shiny hair like a wig, there were a pale oval convex face, slant eyes, and red lips contrasted with an exuberant mustache. The lips were moving vigorously while spitting ill-manneredly.

汗をかいた高い鼻、そして、着物の裾からは、砂埃にまみれた跣足の足が覗いていた。
A well defined nose was sweating and bare feet covered by sand and dust were sticking from the hem of kimono.

*添削
Under shiny hair like a wig, there were a pale oval convex face, slant eyes, and red lips contrasted with an exuberant mustache.

Corrections:
Under the shiny, wig-like hair, there was a pale, oval, convex face, slanted eyes, and red lips that contrasted with an exuberant mustache.

The lips were moving vigorously while spitting ill-manneredly.

Corrections:
The lips were flapping and spitting rudely.

A well defined nose was sweating and bare feet covered by sand and dust were sticking from the hem of kimono.

Corrections:
The well defined nose was sweating, and bare feet covered by sand and dust were sticking out from [beneath] the hem of the kimono.

「……俺はどんなに俺の女房を愛していたか」
　演説は今や高調に達しているらしく見えた。
“How much I loved my wife?”, his speech seemed to be reaching the climax.

男は無量の感慨を罩(こめ)てこういったまま、暫(しばら)く見物達の顔から顔を見廻していたが、やがて、自問に答える様に続けた。
The man, filled with deep emotion, said that and looked around at the faces of the onlookers one after another for a while, and he eventually went on to say as if he was answering his own question.

「殺す程愛していたのだ！」
「……悲しい哉(かな)、あの女は浮気者だった」
　ドッと見物の間に笑い声が起ったので、其次(そのつぎ)の「いつ余所(よそ)の男とくッつくかも知れなかった」という言葉は危く聞き洩す所だった。
“I loved her to the extent that I had to kill her!”
“....sadly enough, that woman was a cheater”
The onlookers bursted into laughter and were about to miss his next words “she could have made out with someone else any time”.

「いや、もうとっくにくッついていたかも知れないのだ」
　そこで又、前にもました高笑いが起った。
“No. She might have already did it”, and again, a stronger laughter broke out.

*添削

“How much I loved my wife?

Corrections:
“...how much did I love my wife?

”, his speech seemed to be reaching the climax.

Corrections:
” His speech seemed to be reaching its climax.

The man, filled with deep emotion, said that and looked around at the faces of the onlookers one after another for a while, and he eventually went on to say as if he was answering his own question.

Corrections:
The man, filled with deep emotion, looked each onlooker dead in the eye[,] one by one[/one after another], and he eventually went on to speak as if to answer his own question. (look ~ dead in the eye = ジッとアイコンタクトをとる　　かもしれない笑）

“I loved her to the extent that I had to kill her!

Corrections:
“I loved her to the extent that I had to kill her!" <-- this is grammatical, but I'd edit it to: "I loved her so much I had to kill her!"

sadly enough, that woman was a cheater”

Corrections
...sad to say [/alas], that woman was a cheater.” ("alas" has an old-fashioned tone)

The onlookers bursted into laughter and were about to miss his next words “she could have made out with someone else any time”.

Corrections:
The onlookers burst into laughter, nearly missing his next words. “She could have gotten with another man at any time.”

“No.

“No,

She might have already did it”, and again, a stronger laughter broke out.

Corrections:
maybe she did!” Even stronger laughter broke out. (I removed "already" because the woman is dead)

江戸川乱歩　『白昼夢』

https://www.aozora.gr.jp/cards/001779/files/57192_59570.html