empollonの英語とか学習帳

このブログは僕の英語学習の内容や進捗、特に翻訳練習を記録するために始めました。ついでに、面白い人たちとの新たな出会いがあったら、なお嬉しいです。This will be to keep a record of my English practice progress. If I can get to know new interesting people through any interactions here, that’s also nice

日本語>英語 翻訳練習 0014 蜘蛛の糸1

I translated a part of a Japanese short novel into English for practicing translating.
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ある日の事でございます。御釈迦様おしゃかさまは極楽の蓮池のふちを、独りでぶらぶら御歩きになっていらっしゃいました。

One day, Shakyamuni Buddha was wandering around alone by the rim of a heavenly pond filled with lotus flowers.

池の中に咲いている蓮の花は、みんな玉のようにまっ白で、そのまん中にある金色の蕊からは、何とも云えない好い匂いが、絶間なくあたりへ溢れて居ります。極楽は丁度朝なのでございましょう。

Lotus flowers in the pond were all white like a gem. An indescribably pleasant fragrance from the golden pistils in its center was permeating the air incessantly. The heaven seemed to be right in the morning.

 

https://www.aozora.gr.jp/cards/000879/files/92_14545.html


*添削してもらった部分

One day, Shakyamuni Buddha was wandering around alone by the rim of a heavenly pond filled with lotus flowers.

 

corrections:

One day, Shakyamuni Buddha was wandering around, alone, by the rim of a heavenly pond filled with lotus flowers.

 

Lotus flowers in the pond were all white like a gem.

 

corrections:
The lotus flowers in the pond were all white like a brilliant gem.

 

 

An indescribably pleasant fragrance from the golden pistils in its center was permeating the air incessantly.

 

corrections:
An indescribably pleasant fragrance from the golden pistils in their centers was permeating the air.

 

The heaven seemed to be right in the morning.

 

corrections:
Heaven seemed to be right that morning.